To My Friend Jason, and All Friendzoned Guys...

 To my friend Jason, and all the guys that hate "The Zone"

I’m a nice guy, even when I “try” not to be.  It’s a character flaw.  I remember about a month ago I was driving home from work, and was stuck in traffic.  I live next to the University, so it’s one of those drawbacks to my habitat location.  So there I was, going on an hour of bumper to bumper traffic, just trying to make it that last quarter mile til I got to my place, where I could sit back in a cool room with a rum n coke.  That’s when a sheriff waved me off on a road moving away from my home.  I was irked.  He was waving a line of folks down this road, and as I went by, I yelled at him that I just lived “right there” (I could SEE my front door) but he waved me on down the road.  I yelled again “You SUCK!” as I drove off.  

I pulled over into a vacant lot to wait out the crowd, and as I sat there, festering in my annoyance, I started to feel bed for yelling.  He was just doing his job, and I was being a dick.  I knew when I started feeling this way, what was next.  I strolled all the way back to where he was, and apologized to him face to face.  He thought I was kidding at first, as I’m sure most cops don’t get assholes saying they were sorry, unless they have been placed in handcuffs and were trying to get out of going to jail. 

I’m not very… hardcore.  

Being a nice guy, however, doesn’t mean that I’m one of those “nice guys finish last” fellas that never gets the girl, and ends up running to his enablers to get encouragement for his actions which just perpetuates that pattern.   I think when most people hear “Jake is a nice guy” the image surfaces that he’s single, and wants long walks on the beach with a person that he is “meant” for.  Screw that hip-hop.  Being a nice person doesn’t mean that I’m going to accept being consistently pegged into the friend zone.  

But, I used to be that guy.

Gentlemen, gather round!  I’m going to give you some information that someone should have bestowed upon you at any point in your life, before now.  How to be a nice guy, and yet not become that “nice guy”.  Ladies, because I was born with XY chromosomes, I can’t give you direct suggestions except from what I can determine to be logical from my dealings being a typical, slobbering, external reproductive organ having mammalian.  That being said, feel free to gleam as much indirect knowledge as you can from this entry, but I won’t accept any responsibility if you self immolate. 

Only one…

Starting with something I mentioned earlier: there isn’t one person for you.  I know it’s a common concept that there is some special dame out there that is meant just for you, but let’s put some shit into the realm of reality.  As I type this, there are an estimated seven BILLION people on the planet.  That’s billion with a B.  Amazon only has about 160 million items for sale, so if there were 44 Amazon sites with all items only limited to 1 site, you’d have roughly 7 billion.  It's a big freaking number.

About half of the 7 billion humans are women.  So 3.5 billion women are on the planet today.  (Of course if you are bisexual and think there is only one for you, your odds are getting progressively worse.)  Out of 3.5 billion, do you honestly think it’s logical that there is only one for you?  Even if you think your “special” girl is one in a million, there would still be 3,500 “special” girls out there, and if you are so picky that you would limit your search to such high standards, then sad news for you; get a cat.  

Being a guy that has very high standards for girlfriends, I think this is all BS.  There are hundreds of thousands of women out there that you can date and marry and grow old with and be happy -like a pig in warm mud.  The problem with your outlook, is that when you become infatuated with one of these XX types, you latch on, and push them not only to the position of being the only thing you think about, but also upon a pedestal where they will never be able to stand.  I’m not advocating that when you are in a relationship that you keep your eye out for a better fit.  What I am saying is that the finality that you associate with the relationship you are/aren’t yet in, will inevitably force her faults down to the same level that which you associate minor annoyances.  If she cheats on you and even though you are hurt, the idea of leaving her never enters your mind, then you have misguided priorities in that relationship.  This goes for the ladies too.  No person should be above expulsion from your bedroom.

If you can grasp the idea that you are looking for an exceptional match, and not one needle in a planet sized haystack, then you have taken the first step.  Have a coke and a smile… add rum.

Friendzone…

No one likes it, but it’s out there.  The dead zone of emotions.  You have a gal pal, or some girl you met at Pete’s house last week, and when you work up the internal fortitude to ask her out, she banishes you to the realm of no return.  First off, a reality check.  Not every girl that you find attractive will want you to munch her muffin.  I assume that you knew that, so why must you continue with that mindset?  That friendzone is where you go underwear shopping for sexy thongs that you’ll never get to pull off with your teeth, while being the first person she calls when she needs advice from “a man’s perspective” about how fat is/isn’t, while also giving you details about the douche that IS munching her muffin… well.   And some of you guys willingly accept this.  You think that marinating in that friendzone is a surefire way to move out of the friendzone.  It isn’t.

If you get friendzoned, then you should make a decision.  If you are not willing to hold her Victoria’s Secret bags forever, then how do you get out of that zone?   

Greg’s tips on getting out of a friendzone…

1) Stop being friends.  Yeah it’s drastic, but if your mind and heart and butterflies are so intertwined around this one girl, that you can’t live… then please save yourself.  If you are ever successful in getting out of the friendzone, it’ll take time and severing that connection will help you move on to the part where you are happy with yourself.

2) Stop obsessing.  Be her friend, but remove the idea of her being your unicorn.  If she wants to call you to talk about the douche, then don’t pick up the phone.  It may make her feel better, but it makes you miserable.  If she is as awesome as you think she is, she can let another friend take this round.  Additionally, she should be ashamed to call you when she knows how you feel.  She’s being the rude one.  Drinking beers with friends, fine.  Meeting up with her for lunch, sure.  Teaching her to play pool one-on-one, 3 am phone calls, “movie night” (with cuddles, and then her going home) and giving her daily advice about her new man problems – NO!  BAD MAN! <WHACKS you with a rolled up newspaper> Put yourself in the position where you may still be her friend, while avoiding the situations that will leave you longing for more.  Only you know those limits, so find them, and right soon.

3) Be a better person.  By that I don’t mean be a better person for her!  Don’t start reading Dickens because you know her favorite book is Oliver Twist.   That means you are just trying to mold yourself into a person that you are not.  Find the things that will make you happier…go to the gym, find an organization which you are passionate about and volunteer, memorize the Periodic Table of Elements,  read every word written by your favorite author then find out who inspired him/her and read every word that person wrote.  Learn a magic trick, give $10 a month to a local charity… just become a better person.  Become happy with the things you do, and the person that you are becoming as you do these things.  This has three possible outcomes a) You are so busy that you forget about miss what’s-her-name, b) you become someone she might be interested in, but if not c) you become happier with yourself and realize that you don’t need her to make you happy.  Also, while doing all these things, you’ll meet new friends, and maybe one of those friends will be a girl that has a thing for gym rat volunteers that know the atomic mass of potassium!  

The point of being a better person, is that you should use that energy to become self sustaining.  Only incomplete people need to have someone to make them complete.  Fill the void, and you will become one of those guys that I know you admire.  Maybe she’ll change her mind, but if not, then you can sit proudly in the knowledge that her new bo doesn’t know that potassium’s atomic mass is 39.0983 amu.  (That muffin munching simpleton.)

4) Don’t get friendzoned.  Of course all of this can be avoided, if you just don’t wind up in that zone.  Being happy with who you are (section 3), is so important that I can’t say it enough.  When you are happy and self sustaining, then you don’t fall into that trap of needing to be a part of her life.  That need to make yourself part of her existence is the first step to the zone.  

So you meet a new gal, and you are interested in her.  First off, you could ask her out.  I do.  It’s easy.  If you've just met her, then she can only reject you because you’re ugly as fuck, not because you’re her BFF.  <sigh>  But let’s say you are in a position where you are getting to know her first…

As I read on another blog, “don’t be her bitch”.  By that I’m talking about molding yourself to fill, what you feel, is a solution to all of her problems.  You have enough issues to deal with, mister.  Don’t compliment her on every single thing, in fact if she is wrong, you should be the first to point it out and explain why.  I swear you get kudos for not being like all the other guys and standing on principle.  

If she knows all your plans, everything about you, who your friends are, what your momma made for dinner last night - that is bad.  Mystery is not only fun, but it doesn’t create a situation where she is becomes so involved in your life that she is settled.  If she is settled in a position where she is comfortable and gets as an added bonus, a friend, then it’s harder for her to make that next great leap forward into the area of the unknown.  

Don’t not date anyone, “just in case”.  By this I mean putting other exploits on hold just in case she gives you signals.  The fact that you are single and dating women like a healthy person would, is better than holding off.  Mainly, because if you do, then you will have a tendency to talk to her more and more and suddenly you are on the outside borders of the zone.  Besides, if you are dating and flirting, you may find someone else that is a better match.  (By the way, dating – isn’t – whoring.)

For the love of all that is holy, don’t ever play the “I know a guy that likes this girl”, game.  I will beat you in the knees with a stick if you do.  If you are going to make your move, then make it.  Don’t beat around the bush.  (No pun intended)

Lastly – Ask her out.  Of course a lot of this hee-hawing around could have been avoided if you had done that in the beginning, but ok, what’s done is done- now ask her out.  I have only on the rarest of occasions known a gal and couldn’t get one date out of her.  It’s a date.  Do you know what makes her think you want something serious as a result of a date?  YOU make it seem that way.  Think of something that is unique to her, and take charge.  (Also, don’t go into a bathroom and “work” yourself up to asking her with the checking of the hair, and breath, and tucking in your shirt…just DO it.)

List of ways in which I have asked out girls, that worked-

“I decided that I want to take you out.  Congratulations.”

“Let’s go grab dinner at (insert good restaurant* here).  You should take me up on it.  Certainly I’m not so repulsive that you would turn down some of the best lasagna in the city, am I?  Besides, those are nice shoes, and the $20 you save tonight you can put aside for your next pair of Manolo Blahnik**.”   

The best of all..

“Hi.  My name’s Greg.  Would you like to grab dinner sometime?” (No, really.  It works.  Just ask them out.  It’s just one damned date.) If she hesitates –“It’s just a date.  One date.  You get free food and a flick.  It’s like a sale that only you know about.”   

These are just examples of how I’ve asked gals out to give you a sense of what I mean when I say “just ask them out”.  Don’t be a copycat.  Just be funny, and let it ride.   I swear that if you don’t ask her out, the odds that you’ll go out with her go down to zero.  You have nothing to lose.   

  

*-Always pick a place that isn’t Olive Garden.  Some hole in the wall, mom-n-pop owned place that is local and unknown.

** Shoe compliments are good.  They like making their legs look as good as you like them making their legs look good.  

                Last note…

All I know is what works for me, and lots of times that doesn’t work at all.  Part of this journey is finding out what works for you, and if what I have said doesn’t work, then fuck me.  Chart your own course.  I’ll remind you that I’m not some girl expert.  Hell, volumes of books have been written on trying to understand women.  If a single woman can’t understand herself (often), then women trying to write volumes that describe women as a whole are close to worthless.***  (Not entirely, mind you…)  What I mean is- even your best efforts will be fruitless at times, but you should dust off those boots and get back on the horse.  Fail, then fail better.  

I will leave you with this… because I just thought it was awesome…

“The clouds are stained yellow, by sulfur.  There are great lightning storms… there are increasing amounts of the noxious gas sulfur dioxide.  The pressures become so high, that earlier space craft were crushed like tin cans by the weight of the surrounding atmosphere.  Beneath the clouds, in the dense clear air, it’s about as bright as an overcast day on earth.  But the atmosphere is so thick, that the ground seems to ripple and distort.  The atmospheric pressure down here is 90 times that of earth.  The temperature is 380 degrees centigrade - 900 Fahrenheit.  Hotter, than the hottest household oven.  This is a world marked by searing heat, crushing pressures, sulfurous gasses and a desolate reddish landscape… Venus is the one place in the solar system, most like hell.”                - Carl Sagan (Cosmos)

This is about Venus, and THAT is where women come from.  Don’t be all sad faced because you don’t understand why it went wrong, or is going wrong.  Just hope she doesn’t crush you like a tin can.

               

***Be gentle, ladies.  I’m fragile.

-          Greg