Everyone has something....

                It is the opinion of this writer, that every single person has some sexual side of them that they feel is too taboo for the outside world.  Well, most people.  Some just don’t care about the collective’s opinion, and flaunt their deviant taboos for the world.  A larger portion than the flaunters, but smaller than the collective, flaunts some taboo parts of them to hide the ones that are secret.  Think about it…  Hiding in plain sight is the punk guy with punk hair, that you would never suspect just wants to make sweet love to a beautiful Barbie.  To him, that is his taboo.  It doesn’t matter to him that that is acceptable to the collective.  

                There are signals and signs that happen every day that only a few people “get”.  Those people are on the inside, and shun out the posers.  Two guys on motorcycles pass each other on a country road, and as they cross paths, they extend their arm out towards the center of the road, downward, with a few fingers extended.  People that drive cars don’t notice it until someone points it out.  It’s a friendly show of respect for the motorcycle and the passing rider.  The same goes with a “Jeep Wave”.  

                Others may know these signals, but the ones giving them are the people inside that little group.  Now, with sex, sexual preferences, taboos (the list goes on) there are likewise certain signs.  However you certainly won’t see them displayed out for everyone to see like the motorcyclists. 

                These signals are far more subtle.  They aren’t talked about and there is no secret handshake, but they are there.  I have had friends that were swingers.  I’m not saying I was, of course, just had some friends.  Good friends.  Close personal friends that I know really really well. <cough>  But let’s say, for purely hypothetical reasons, that I was a swinger at one point.  If I were, then I could pass on certain subtle ways that people recognize one of their own.

                A couple wanders through a department store together.  A decent bit away, the husband spots a young lady, alone, searching through the bargain rack, for a red blouse (or blue jeans…).  His wife notices that his attention is elsewhere, so her curiosity turns her head to see what he’s found.  She doesn’t observe the woman with distrust or anything resembling annoyance.  She takes a final glance at the lady, then her husband, and goes on with her browsing.  

                There are several parts of that that I should make clear.  When I say that the young single lady caught his eye, and he nonchalantly checks her out, he didn’t do it in a way to hide his gaze from his wife.  (Most guys do, and most guys are terrible at it.)  That is one of the signs.  Now you can conclude from this that he doesn’t care if his wife sees him, and may assume that he’s an asshole and doesn’t care what his wife thinks.  Far from the case.  You can tell this if you see his wife’s face as she discovers this.  She didn’t look at him with fear or jealousy.  She didn’t look upon the young lady as someone that she needs to compete with.  She simply recognized that his attention was captivated, and accepted it.  

                You may also notice that the couple didn’t attract any attention at all.  I don’t mean just with their voices, or back and forth glances, or nervously turning away…  They looked where they wanted, but not in any way that would draw attention to themselves.  They are seasoned.

                If you are a keen observer, you may notice the fraction of a second where the wife smiled.  Women that don’t have trust in their husband do not smile when they see he’s looking at another woman.  But that is the point…

                I’ve seen this before, and I like it when I do.  I, for example, was about 30 yards away from both the couple and the single lady.  I noticed the young lady because I was also checking her out, when I noticed the couple.  For me, that became more interesting.  I didn’t have to go over, and ask the married couple what they most likely wouldn’t admit anyway, but I saw it.  It’s the trust that a couple has between each other, when both of them understand that no other person-in the world- can threaten their bond.  It really is all about trust.  

                When a couple has that level of trust, so that they both are free to be themselves, then all the other tedious grains of friction melt away.  When they also happen to be the types of people that put their trust and love on a higher plain than any other bonding quality, and are honest enough to admit that they have desires for people that aren’t their partners- that is when a swinging couple is born. 

                Maybe…  of course it may depend on the young guy in the shoe department, and if he’s open to flirting with a married woman.  After all, two can play at this game.

An addendum...

                I wrote the previous blog not only for guys in general, but for a specific guy, named Jason.  It was catered directly for him, but general enough that it could be applied to any guy in his situation.  

                Today, after Jason read the blog, he called me and said he met a new girl last night.  He tells me about her for about 5 minutes (after I got home from work), and then asked how could he find out if she likes him.  I told him to ask her out, and see what happens, because even if she doesn’t like him now, maybe she’d like him after she talked to him for a bit.  He asked me to call her and ask her out for him.

                Maybe I should stick to writing about politics…

-Greg

To My Friend Jason, and All Friendzoned Guys...

 To my friend Jason, and all the guys that hate "The Zone"

I’m a nice guy, even when I “try” not to be.  It’s a character flaw.  I remember about a month ago I was driving home from work, and was stuck in traffic.  I live next to the University, so it’s one of those drawbacks to my habitat location.  So there I was, going on an hour of bumper to bumper traffic, just trying to make it that last quarter mile til I got to my place, where I could sit back in a cool room with a rum n coke.  That’s when a sheriff waved me off on a road moving away from my home.  I was irked.  He was waving a line of folks down this road, and as I went by, I yelled at him that I just lived “right there” (I could SEE my front door) but he waved me on down the road.  I yelled again “You SUCK!” as I drove off.  

I pulled over into a vacant lot to wait out the crowd, and as I sat there, festering in my annoyance, I started to feel bed for yelling.  He was just doing his job, and I was being a dick.  I knew when I started feeling this way, what was next.  I strolled all the way back to where he was, and apologized to him face to face.  He thought I was kidding at first, as I’m sure most cops don’t get assholes saying they were sorry, unless they have been placed in handcuffs and were trying to get out of going to jail. 

I’m not very… hardcore.  

Being a nice guy, however, doesn’t mean that I’m one of those “nice guys finish last” fellas that never gets the girl, and ends up running to his enablers to get encouragement for his actions which just perpetuates that pattern.   I think when most people hear “Jake is a nice guy” the image surfaces that he’s single, and wants long walks on the beach with a person that he is “meant” for.  Screw that hip-hop.  Being a nice person doesn’t mean that I’m going to accept being consistently pegged into the friend zone.  

But, I used to be that guy.

Gentlemen, gather round!  I’m going to give you some information that someone should have bestowed upon you at any point in your life, before now.  How to be a nice guy, and yet not become that “nice guy”.  Ladies, because I was born with XY chromosomes, I can’t give you direct suggestions except from what I can determine to be logical from my dealings being a typical, slobbering, external reproductive organ having mammalian.  That being said, feel free to gleam as much indirect knowledge as you can from this entry, but I won’t accept any responsibility if you self immolate. 

Only one…

Starting with something I mentioned earlier: there isn’t one person for you.  I know it’s a common concept that there is some special dame out there that is meant just for you, but let’s put some shit into the realm of reality.  As I type this, there are an estimated seven BILLION people on the planet.  That’s billion with a B.  Amazon only has about 160 million items for sale, so if there were 44 Amazon sites with all items only limited to 1 site, you’d have roughly 7 billion.  It's a big freaking number.

About half of the 7 billion humans are women.  So 3.5 billion women are on the planet today.  (Of course if you are bisexual and think there is only one for you, your odds are getting progressively worse.)  Out of 3.5 billion, do you honestly think it’s logical that there is only one for you?  Even if you think your “special” girl is one in a million, there would still be 3,500 “special” girls out there, and if you are so picky that you would limit your search to such high standards, then sad news for you; get a cat.  

Being a guy that has very high standards for girlfriends, I think this is all BS.  There are hundreds of thousands of women out there that you can date and marry and grow old with and be happy -like a pig in warm mud.  The problem with your outlook, is that when you become infatuated with one of these XX types, you latch on, and push them not only to the position of being the only thing you think about, but also upon a pedestal where they will never be able to stand.  I’m not advocating that when you are in a relationship that you keep your eye out for a better fit.  What I am saying is that the finality that you associate with the relationship you are/aren’t yet in, will inevitably force her faults down to the same level that which you associate minor annoyances.  If she cheats on you and even though you are hurt, the idea of leaving her never enters your mind, then you have misguided priorities in that relationship.  This goes for the ladies too.  No person should be above expulsion from your bedroom.

If you can grasp the idea that you are looking for an exceptional match, and not one needle in a planet sized haystack, then you have taken the first step.  Have a coke and a smile… add rum.

Friendzone…

No one likes it, but it’s out there.  The dead zone of emotions.  You have a gal pal, or some girl you met at Pete’s house last week, and when you work up the internal fortitude to ask her out, she banishes you to the realm of no return.  First off, a reality check.  Not every girl that you find attractive will want you to munch her muffin.  I assume that you knew that, so why must you continue with that mindset?  That friendzone is where you go underwear shopping for sexy thongs that you’ll never get to pull off with your teeth, while being the first person she calls when she needs advice from “a man’s perspective” about how fat is/isn’t, while also giving you details about the douche that IS munching her muffin… well.   And some of you guys willingly accept this.  You think that marinating in that friendzone is a surefire way to move out of the friendzone.  It isn’t.

If you get friendzoned, then you should make a decision.  If you are not willing to hold her Victoria’s Secret bags forever, then how do you get out of that zone?   

Greg’s tips on getting out of a friendzone…

1) Stop being friends.  Yeah it’s drastic, but if your mind and heart and butterflies are so intertwined around this one girl, that you can’t live… then please save yourself.  If you are ever successful in getting out of the friendzone, it’ll take time and severing that connection will help you move on to the part where you are happy with yourself.

2) Stop obsessing.  Be her friend, but remove the idea of her being your unicorn.  If she wants to call you to talk about the douche, then don’t pick up the phone.  It may make her feel better, but it makes you miserable.  If she is as awesome as you think she is, she can let another friend take this round.  Additionally, she should be ashamed to call you when she knows how you feel.  She’s being the rude one.  Drinking beers with friends, fine.  Meeting up with her for lunch, sure.  Teaching her to play pool one-on-one, 3 am phone calls, “movie night” (with cuddles, and then her going home) and giving her daily advice about her new man problems – NO!  BAD MAN! <WHACKS you with a rolled up newspaper> Put yourself in the position where you may still be her friend, while avoiding the situations that will leave you longing for more.  Only you know those limits, so find them, and right soon.

3) Be a better person.  By that I don’t mean be a better person for her!  Don’t start reading Dickens because you know her favorite book is Oliver Twist.   That means you are just trying to mold yourself into a person that you are not.  Find the things that will make you happier…go to the gym, find an organization which you are passionate about and volunteer, memorize the Periodic Table of Elements,  read every word written by your favorite author then find out who inspired him/her and read every word that person wrote.  Learn a magic trick, give $10 a month to a local charity… just become a better person.  Become happy with the things you do, and the person that you are becoming as you do these things.  This has three possible outcomes a) You are so busy that you forget about miss what’s-her-name, b) you become someone she might be interested in, but if not c) you become happier with yourself and realize that you don’t need her to make you happy.  Also, while doing all these things, you’ll meet new friends, and maybe one of those friends will be a girl that has a thing for gym rat volunteers that know the atomic mass of potassium!  

The point of being a better person, is that you should use that energy to become self sustaining.  Only incomplete people need to have someone to make them complete.  Fill the void, and you will become one of those guys that I know you admire.  Maybe she’ll change her mind, but if not, then you can sit proudly in the knowledge that her new bo doesn’t know that potassium’s atomic mass is 39.0983 amu.  (That muffin munching simpleton.)

4) Don’t get friendzoned.  Of course all of this can be avoided, if you just don’t wind up in that zone.  Being happy with who you are (section 3), is so important that I can’t say it enough.  When you are happy and self sustaining, then you don’t fall into that trap of needing to be a part of her life.  That need to make yourself part of her existence is the first step to the zone.  

So you meet a new gal, and you are interested in her.  First off, you could ask her out.  I do.  It’s easy.  If you've just met her, then she can only reject you because you’re ugly as fuck, not because you’re her BFF.  <sigh>  But let’s say you are in a position where you are getting to know her first…

As I read on another blog, “don’t be her bitch”.  By that I’m talking about molding yourself to fill, what you feel, is a solution to all of her problems.  You have enough issues to deal with, mister.  Don’t compliment her on every single thing, in fact if she is wrong, you should be the first to point it out and explain why.  I swear you get kudos for not being like all the other guys and standing on principle.  

If she knows all your plans, everything about you, who your friends are, what your momma made for dinner last night - that is bad.  Mystery is not only fun, but it doesn’t create a situation where she is becomes so involved in your life that she is settled.  If she is settled in a position where she is comfortable and gets as an added bonus, a friend, then it’s harder for her to make that next great leap forward into the area of the unknown.  

Don’t not date anyone, “just in case”.  By this I mean putting other exploits on hold just in case she gives you signals.  The fact that you are single and dating women like a healthy person would, is better than holding off.  Mainly, because if you do, then you will have a tendency to talk to her more and more and suddenly you are on the outside borders of the zone.  Besides, if you are dating and flirting, you may find someone else that is a better match.  (By the way, dating – isn’t – whoring.)

For the love of all that is holy, don’t ever play the “I know a guy that likes this girl”, game.  I will beat you in the knees with a stick if you do.  If you are going to make your move, then make it.  Don’t beat around the bush.  (No pun intended)

Lastly – Ask her out.  Of course a lot of this hee-hawing around could have been avoided if you had done that in the beginning, but ok, what’s done is done- now ask her out.  I have only on the rarest of occasions known a gal and couldn’t get one date out of her.  It’s a date.  Do you know what makes her think you want something serious as a result of a date?  YOU make it seem that way.  Think of something that is unique to her, and take charge.  (Also, don’t go into a bathroom and “work” yourself up to asking her with the checking of the hair, and breath, and tucking in your shirt…just DO it.)

List of ways in which I have asked out girls, that worked-

“I decided that I want to take you out.  Congratulations.”

“Let’s go grab dinner at (insert good restaurant* here).  You should take me up on it.  Certainly I’m not so repulsive that you would turn down some of the best lasagna in the city, am I?  Besides, those are nice shoes, and the $20 you save tonight you can put aside for your next pair of Manolo Blahnik**.”   

The best of all..

“Hi.  My name’s Greg.  Would you like to grab dinner sometime?” (No, really.  It works.  Just ask them out.  It’s just one damned date.) If she hesitates –“It’s just a date.  One date.  You get free food and a flick.  It’s like a sale that only you know about.”   

These are just examples of how I’ve asked gals out to give you a sense of what I mean when I say “just ask them out”.  Don’t be a copycat.  Just be funny, and let it ride.   I swear that if you don’t ask her out, the odds that you’ll go out with her go down to zero.  You have nothing to lose.   

  

*-Always pick a place that isn’t Olive Garden.  Some hole in the wall, mom-n-pop owned place that is local and unknown.

** Shoe compliments are good.  They like making their legs look as good as you like them making their legs look good.  

                Last note…

All I know is what works for me, and lots of times that doesn’t work at all.  Part of this journey is finding out what works for you, and if what I have said doesn’t work, then fuck me.  Chart your own course.  I’ll remind you that I’m not some girl expert.  Hell, volumes of books have been written on trying to understand women.  If a single woman can’t understand herself (often), then women trying to write volumes that describe women as a whole are close to worthless.***  (Not entirely, mind you…)  What I mean is- even your best efforts will be fruitless at times, but you should dust off those boots and get back on the horse.  Fail, then fail better.  

I will leave you with this… because I just thought it was awesome…

“The clouds are stained yellow, by sulfur.  There are great lightning storms… there are increasing amounts of the noxious gas sulfur dioxide.  The pressures become so high, that earlier space craft were crushed like tin cans by the weight of the surrounding atmosphere.  Beneath the clouds, in the dense clear air, it’s about as bright as an overcast day on earth.  But the atmosphere is so thick, that the ground seems to ripple and distort.  The atmospheric pressure down here is 90 times that of earth.  The temperature is 380 degrees centigrade - 900 Fahrenheit.  Hotter, than the hottest household oven.  This is a world marked by searing heat, crushing pressures, sulfurous gasses and a desolate reddish landscape… Venus is the one place in the solar system, most like hell.”                - Carl Sagan (Cosmos)

This is about Venus, and THAT is where women come from.  Don’t be all sad faced because you don’t understand why it went wrong, or is going wrong.  Just hope she doesn’t crush you like a tin can.

               

***Be gentle, ladies.  I’m fragile.

-          Greg             

To the 61%

Before starting this, I want to make something clear.  I don’t agree with lots of people, and I know that many don’t agree with me.  That’s cool.  In this post, I’m addressing a specific type of person.  I’m addressing first, the 1,082,198 individuals that voted YES on Amendment One last night in my home state of North Carolina.  I’m also addressing anyone that has voted against marriage equality in another states, and the ones that didn’t vote but agree with the ideology that says gays shouldn’t have equal rights.  I have several friends that are theists or deists like Abby, Lakesha, Brooke, Kristie and Jonathon, but they don’t believe in the same type of Christianity that the ones I’m talking about do.  They wouldn’t take away rights, because they didn’t agree.  If they didn’t want gay marriage, they just wouldn’t marry a person of the same sex.   Also, regardless of religious belief or political divides or any other division, thank you to the 700,837 people that voted against this Amendment.  From the bottom of my heart…

THANK you

Thank YOU

THANK YOU!

To the 61% of bigots, living in N.C.

                Yeah you heard me, but I don’t know why you’re mad.    You should be proud.  Honest.  If you don’t think so, then there must be some sort of miscommunication, so I shall elaborate.  

                A bigot is defined as “One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.”  This definition lists off religion, race, or politics, but other groups commonly include sex, sexual orientation, region, people who are disabled… the list goes on, but I think I’ve cleared it up.  Now, last night a vote was held in my home state of North Carolina.  An Amendment was put for a popular vote to add discrimination to the state’s Constitution.  OH! Discrimination.  Bigoted and discriminatory..  You guys are both, but don’t get mad.  You should be proud.  Honest..   So anyway, the Amendment went up for a popular vote, and it passed, which prevented gays from being able to marry.  Wait..  That was the case before..   What did the Amendment do then?   I need to re think this…    I will build this blog entry like a pyramid; one block at a time.  

Discrimination –  

                Discrimination is when you take actions against a group which you do not belong, and don’t approve of.  It’s prejudicial treatment.  If you are hiring, and two people apply, and you hire one and not the other because the other is not of the same race, then it is discrimination.  

                Now the Amendment that was voted on last night, was to ban, on a state constitutional level, people being able to marry if they happen to share similar no-no units.  Over a million people voted for this ban, so they took actions against a group that they don’t approve of.  It’s the very definition of discrimination.  It’s textbook.  

                Now when you talk to people who have now voted against equal rights in 30 states, they will 99% of the time site biblical references.  It’s against the will of God, or so they claim.  See, their motives, or motives in general don’t have any bearing, and cannot offer contrition for the actions taken during discrimination.  Read that again.  Discrimination is discrimination, regardless of motive.  It’s only concerned with the action.  

                So, a person can commit discrimination, based on what they think are good reasons, but it’s still discrimination.  The Amendment did add discrimination to the N.C. Constitution, it’s just that the over a million people that voted for it, think that form of discrimination is full of virtue.  They seemed to do this almost exclusively, because of religious teachings.  So when I say they should be proud, I mean it honestly.  They have religious reasons for making that choice; surely they hold their religion as more important than what rights gays have, so they decided to vote with their religious understandings.

                Like I said, don’t be mad.  If you get mad, then you either don’t understand English words, or you are ashamed of your religion.  Be proud.  Honest.

                Bigotry-

                I gave the definition earlier, but now I’m building a pyramid, so forgive my reiteration.  Remember a bigot is  “One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion, race, or politics and is intolerant of those who differ.”  Well, one is hard pressed, I think, to look at the final vote held last night, and walk away thinking that there were no bigots in that majority.  

                Is the average person in that majority strongly partial to their own group?  I’d say so.  Since this was dominated by religion, I think anyone can safely say that they are partial to their own beliefs.  So yes.  They are strongly partial.  

                Was the motivating factor in voting for that Amendment based on politics, race or religion?  You are damn right it was.  In fact I’ve encouraged people to formulate arguments against gay marriage, without a reference to religion at all, and they stumbled for a while before mumbling something that was more of an opinion than any cognitive argument.  So yes.  Religion played a role, and since the voting majority holds the same book (Leviticus highlighted and everything), then I feel safe in saying they are a collective group.  

                So, the majority voting bloc last night are strongly partial to their own group (Christianity) and they voted the way they did because of religion?  Yes.  Onward!

                The topic was over marriage, and the rights of gay North Carolinians to get married in order to have the same rights as straight couples.   Voting against those rights was a display against homosexuals.  Did that vote show anything less than intolerance towards the rights and happiness of homosexuals?  I think certainly not.  If anyone has a reason why that isn’t the case, please record it and listen to it, then ask (outloud) “how is that not intolerance?” and see how weak your argument becomes.  (I’ve done this exercise many times for other topics).  

                So… the majority voting bloc last night:

 are strongly partial to their own group(Christianity), voted the way they did because of religion, and in doing so showed intolerance towards people that were different. 

                Bigotry is defined as:

One who is strongly partial to one's own group, religion… and is intolerant of those who differ.

               

                Don’t be mad.  Be proud.  Honest.  Don’t shoot the messenger.

Discrimination written into the N.C. Constitution by bigots… did what?

                Well, you hurt a lot of people.  No, "people", not the “gay scum”.  People-people.  Straight people.  Oh, did they not tell you that?  I’m sensing some bewilderment, so I shall explain…

                Have you ever heard a lawyer speak in court?  I have, usually when I’m listening to oral arguments on C-SPAN or reading transcripts.  They use big words.  Even I can’t follow everything, because I have not been through law school.  They use big words and make points that many times don’t make sense.  This is because – Law is complicated.  It’s the reason lawyers are paid out the ying-yang for their work, and why when you need one badly, you look for the best big word user you can find.  The law is extremely complicated, which is why teams of them write laws.  They use wording that is meant to specifically define what they are talking about, so that the law passed doesn’t end up accidentally saying that the U.S. is now a part of Sweden.  

                So which lawyer team wrote this amendment?  Well, only one.  Granted he is a lawyer, but how many lawyers looked at this product of Mr. Peter Brewster, and saw issues?  Lots.  When I say lots, I mean, like almost everyone.  There are implications to this law taking effect, and even if none turn over Appalachian State to Stockholm, the effects could be in a wide range of areas such as:

               -  Domestic Violence Laws- See, the new amendment says only married straight folks can be recognized as domestic legal unions.  The domestic violence laws that protected people living together but not married may be ignored.  Just what you want to hear when your mom or daughter is living with a man that drinks and tends to get mad when Tony Stewart doesn’t win.  This applies to everyone, including you straight folks.

                - Do you have a child with someone and aren’t married to the father/mother?  Child custody and visitation laws may have to be altered.  Straight folks will be affected.

                - Let’s say you live with someone, you work, she’s a home maker, and you have a kid together.  At some point decide to split.  Private agreement laws would offer some protections for the child and the homemaker.  Now, him kicking her out on the street with nothing but a stroller is easier, because they aren’t married.  See, now in the N.C. constitution, those are the only relationships that count.  Married straight folks, think that may have an effect on someone you know?

                - If you have a will, power of attorney, or end of life arrangement, and live with someone you aren’t married to, you better get your happy ass to your lawyer’s office quick.  Well, not yet… See, lawyers don’t really know how much you are going to have to alter yet.  They are still trying to figure out how much has to be changed.

                All of these things could have been brought up in the floor of the N.C. legislature, so people could have asked questions and had debate on the floor about it.  I mean that is a part of democracy, right?  Debate issues, ask questions…  Oh, did they not tell you?  No questions were allowed by the public on this issue.  It was rammed through by Republican legislature.  This was a fucking state Constitution, and the public had no voice.

                On a side note, anytime a law is pushed through, and no debate or conversation or questions are allowed to review it, it’s probably not something you want to support.  Ever.  

                I hope that all of these issues I’ve listed above turn out to be corrected soon.  I really do.  It sucks that discrimination is so valued in the state, but I don’t relish the idea of women and children and decent folks losing protections just because they may/may not be some gay haters.  I’ll protect a kid, no matter how much bigotry his parents have.

               

                My point-

                My point is that I wish people did two things.  First, demanded more from their lawmakers, and educate themselves better before they run out and pulled a lever.  If you know who Snookie is, but not who Eric Cantor is, you are part of the decline of this country.  

                Second, I wish these bigots would face the facts- You think you are right.  You think you are right because the Bible says so.  You voted to discriminate.  You voted to discriminate because of what your bible says.  You feel this way, because you are a bigot.   You are a bigot because of what you believe your bible says.  God wrote the bible, so you think it’s true, right?

Don’t you see?  You are a discriminating bigot.  Don’t be mad, and don’t shoot the messenger.

Be proud.
Honest.