Something in the way....

                On a random dirt road, a young boy gets hit by a car.  He was living in Africa, in some tiny village you’ve never heard of.  In fact, the only way you know about it, is that it was inserted as fluff in some newspaper article you read, in some newspaper you can’t name (even if it’s right on the tip of your brain), which was about some social issue that you can’t recall, or stopped caring about long ago.  Polluted water in the wells in Nigeria or something like that. 

                Let’s say you live in normal-town, USA.  You are surrounded by normal folks with normal streets and a normal McDonalds on a corner of an irregular five way stop.  It’s just some town that ends in “ville” or “burg” in one of the square flyover states.  You get a call from a neighbor telling you that a kid was hit by a car four streets over.  He was from a family that moved in weeks ago, but you never met them.  You’ve never even seen this kid, but you feel very sad for the family.  You even drive over, and put flowers on the corner with all the other flowers that people left when they also felt bad. 

                Why does a person not care about one kid, but is so moved by the death of the other that they make a physical act of remorse?  Why is the life of the stranger near you, more important than the life of a stranger that is a world away?  It shouldn’t be, but it is.  It’s just the way it is. 

                You are walking down the street near your favorite bar, and see a fist fight.  One large guy is trouncing some smaller guy.  You don’t know them, and if others jump in to stop it, you might help, but it doesn’t matter to you.  Then you notice the smaller kid is a guy you know.  You are the first to jump in to break up the beating.  Why would you stand by and watch, unless it’s personal?  Why would most people not move to intervene, unless that act was personal to them?  If it really was some random kid, he has friends and family too.  He feels pain.

                “Well, it’s someone I know” is what most say, but why that matters isn’t something they can articulate.  Why is one more important than the other?  I don’t know.  It’s just the way it is. 

                I can go on like this for pages.  A pretty girl vs. an ugly one.  A person from your hometown vs. a stranger from Nebraska….  Some people matter more than others.

                I try not to make that distinction.  I fail often, but I try.  However one group is the exception.  One group is more important to me than others, and I don’t try to stop that discrimination.. inclination… judgment, whatever you choose to call it. 

                Everyone has a number of parts that make up their own opinion of their personal worth.  Take a person, have them examine the traits they find most important and virtuous (A), cross those with their own self image of how they measure up using those traits (B), +/- personal issues with A or B, and you will get C: their opinion of their own self worth.  This means that any random person has a list of traits that they hold to be of the highest order, and when they meet someone that holds these traits in spades, they will see that person as residing on a pedestal.  The observed becomes a “better person” than the observer. I’m not saying that’s right or healthy or wrong or harmful, I’m just saying that that’s the way it is.   

                If a person’s traits are frivolous, and are of little worth to myself or humanity, then I don’t hold that person on a pedestal at all.  I don’t give a shit about Michael Jordan.  Being great at a sport is of little use to me.  However there are qualities that I hold as important.  A sense of right, a glow, a purity of character, generous sacrifice, appreciation of learning and understanding, and even gentleness are some of those characteristics.  There are some qualities that neither you nor I can articulate.  “Something in the way she moves”, according to George Harrison.  It’s a room full of puppies, but you are drawn to one, for no reason which you can explain.

                I have a large number of people that I know, and a much smaller cluster of those that I am close to.  In that cluster, they may all be on some pedestal, but some pedestals are higher than others.  One is a woman I dated for years.  She is kind and perfect, and if someone hurt her, I’d burn that person to the ground.  I know another that holds a place in my being, that can’t be replaced.  I have a best friend in Colorado, and if he ever needed me, I’d jump to his side.  Now, this is surely the case with anyone reading this.  We all have people like these in our lives.  But I’m not just talking about friends and first lovers.  I’m talking about individuals, which you know are better people than you are.  The world is better off with them in the world.  The interesting part is when you barely know those betters.  In fact, you have them on a pedestal, and you know that you aren’t even in their purview.  It gets even more interesting, when the reasons you do so, are made up of more qualities you can’t articulate than the ones you can. 

                I’m not talking about thinking they are better people because of some bullshit “love at first sight” or “one great act”.  It’s not about infatuation or admiration. 

                I’ve lost you, I’m sure.  My point is that I make no apologies for discriminating against almost everyone, when I put someone on a pedestal for being a better person than I am. 

               

                Almost a year ago, I went out with a gal.  I had met her years before this, but we were just friendly with each other.  We met in a class, and when I saw her, I felt aglow.  I was in a better mood.  Maybe it was the way her cheeks looked when she smiled…I have no idea.  Much later, she and I went out, but she lost interest.  I don’t know why, and I never asked.  I think in part, I didn’t want to find out what was so bad that it disappointed or bored her.  Who knows, maybe she just didn’t get a kick out of my smile.  Eh. <shrug> It’s not really important, because I don’t need her approval to feel happy about knowing her. (This, as you will rightly note, is SO out of character for me.  I always want to know why...how...when... I love details, but not this time.)

                Once in a while, we’ll chat, or shoot a random text.  (I’ll admit, she has her own designated ringtone.  “Strum” on my iPhone.  Hell, my momma doesn’t even have her own ringtone.)  The other night we messaged each other back and forth during the second Presidential debate. She told me after (the yelling about Mitt) that she had been through some rough times with a guy she dated.  I won’t share those details with you, but I’ll say they were rough.  Still are, in fact. 

                It’s to a point where she may need to be protected from someone I'll only describe as less-than-a-man, and I want to be there to help protect her. <grunt> "Knuckle dragger Greg protect little lady." <grunt grunt>  Neanderthal-like, I know, but protecting the ones around me is but one principal I embraced in my decades.  I could tell her all this, (pedestals, better angels) but I’m sure she would take it that I was some love sick puppydawg, that’s infatuated with her.  It’s true that I think she is beautiful (which she knows.  Seriously folks, radiant...), but there is no way to go from that, to explaining that it’s not about that, without her assuming it’s only about that.  I mean hell, I can’t even articulate that “something” to you guys very well, and I have all the time in the world to write, re-write and edit this post.  I told her that I want her to reach out if she needs anything, but let’s be real, how serious do any of you take that when someone you barely know says it?   If I tell those in my cluster to call me if they need me, they understand.  But coming from someone that you randomly text… how far do you expect them to go? 

 

                I’m not looking for suggestions, and I’m not bitching.  In fact I’m turning comments off for this post.  These are just my thoughts, for me, and I guess at this point I don’t care if you guys understand what I’m trying to say anymore.  I mean I do, but I can’t articulate them, so it’s kind of lost.  It’s a dream you were just having, but can’t explain.  You only remember that it felt grand and lonely.   

P.S. I'm not pitiful or useless.Just having a "hmph" moment.