Explain the bears.....

Over the past few months, I’ve had a back and forth with a guy.  I’ve known him for years, but never really talked-talked until a few weeks ago.  The increase in conversation happen thus:

                I’m sitting at a local joint, (Hammontree’s) having a sandwich (and if you live in Fayetteville, and have not eaten there, give yourself an early X-mas present, and do so.).  I’m eating outside, and he comes to my table.  We chat, and he says he’s heading out to go to a church group meeting for young adults.  He invited me, but I politely declined.  He asked again, and then kept asking for about 5 minutes (which in retrospect could have been 30 seconds, but I think you’ll agree that someone trying to coax you into doing something you don’t tends to feel longer than it is.) 

                Eventually, I just told him I didn’t want to go, because I don’t “do” religion.  This started the cycle over again, where I was eventually at the point where I just told him I was an Atheist, and would enjoy my meal, and going home to read a book more than going to church for… well, anything.   In fact I’d enjoy going to work more than church, but he got my point.

                So after that, each time I saw him, he’d start-or add into-the conversation something about God/Religion/Church.  It’s like that one friend you have, where you only share one common topic, so each time you talk to them you can feel the countdown til the next time they bring up the 49ers, or a common friend.  If you aren’t in the mood to talk about the common topic, too bad, it’s going to happen, so you resort to running away or pelting them with a sandwich (though the latter is generally frowned upon).           

                A few nights ago, I ended my talks with him.  My patience threw in the towel.  This towel throwing was weeks in the making, but it was one final topic that sealed the deal.  Since there was a build up, and I had to endure it, I’m going to do the same to you.

                Our first talks dealt with him explaining how HE saw God and the Bible.  I just asked questions the first few times, because Christians are like cat-lover’s cats.  “All cats look alike, but MY cat is different!” they say, as they proceed to tell you how their cat thinks it’s a dog, or a human, or how they will only show the owner “real” affection.  It can be enduring, and I can over look it (if she’s a yoga instructor or French), but in general it’s simply annoying as hell.

                After that, I seemed to be at bat, so I asked him general moral/philosophical questions about themes in the bible.  This is when I discovered he was a type of Christian that gets under my skin like few others.  The lazy kind. 

                The “Lazy Christian” is (as I use it) a very specific type of Christian.  It can be determined by learning the answer to three questions.  First, have they thought about the ramifications of themes, set in the bible.    A lazy Christian will like to read about Moses taking Jews out of Egypt.  They will read about the plagues, “let my people go”, and most likely have “The 10 commandments” on DVD.  However one of the plagues killed every first born son.  Have they pondered the ramifications of an act, which slew men, boys and babies, innocent and just as powerless to alter the Pharaoh’s decision as a Jew?  (I don’t want kids, but I get really touchy when someone hurts a kid, much less kills one for any reason.) We’re talking about the murder of innocent boys here, and people read it, flippantly say something about God working in mysterious ways, and ignore it.  It’s not mysterious if a mother is holding and crying over a dead baby.  It’s not mysterious by any means.  (As a side note, if God has to throw down 7 punishments to get one cat to change his mind, then he isn’t very powerful.)  Have they considered the ramifications of themes?  Not a last Christian.

                Secondly, have-thy-READ-the Bible?  I am NOT talking about Sunday morning, opening up to this book, and that chapter.  I mean READ it.  Cover to cover.  If you are a Christian, and you believe your God, the most power being in the known UNIVERSE has written (or inspired) a collection of books, poems, letter that have been assembled into a single mass produced book, and you have not taken the time to sit down and study it in it’s entirety, word-for-word, then you are a lazy Christian.  Your God only wrote one book!  What excuse could you ever offer to explain you NOT reading it?!?!  “It’s hard to understand…”-read it in a different version!  “It’s boring…”-But important enough for God to put down!  “It’s long…” – a)You have a lifetime b)You have not started c)if you are incapable of settling down with a book of this important, then you are truly intellectually inept.  No excuses.

                Lastly, those combined make the third criteria – are you ignorant of your religion?  Now I’m ignorant about lots.  I think the word “ignorant” has gotten a bad rap.  I’m ignorant on automotive areas China is growing in the 21 century.  I’m ignorant on how to sew.  I’m ignorant of every book I have not read, and with the exception of pictures and hearing stories, I’m ignorant of every city I have not visited.  It’s ok to be ignorant.  If you don’t know about it, you are ignorant.  Don’t be pissy, change it if there is a reason.  I have no reason to know the history of Curling, so I’ll just be ignorant of that.  However, when I talk to a Christian (as I did over these past few weeks) and he is ignorant of his religion, which is the only topic he’s found to talk to me about… I mean come ON! 

                Who was Constantine?  How many authors does the book of Matthew have?  Where did the Christmas tree come from, and why is it a part of Christianity now?  These are just general questions about history, but what about- What does the Bible say about slavery?  Where did Adam’s first wife go? Why are there 44 contradictions in the Easter story?  See, THESE are questions that someone wouldn’t be able answer if they had never read the Bible or read anything on the history of their religion.  I’d like to be clear here…  I don’t care if someone is ignorant, I’m quite ignorant of the best way to transfer a billion dollars from Switzerland to Hong Kong..  I care when a Christian is ignorant, then tries to “educate” me, and then have pridefulness when they explain that they don’t need to know the facts, because they have faith.  That’s  prideful ignorance. 

                So, now I’m in an ongoing talk with a lazy Christian, where I feel Greta Christiana’s pain of being mad that yet again I’m talking to someone about a topic, and the Atheist is far more educated on the topic than the cat that is supposed to know it well.  Eh.  

                So this keeps up.  In all honesty, I never got mad or yelled or hurt his feelings.  I’d ask questions, he’d answer.  He’d ask, I’d answer.  He’d try hard to shift the burden of proof, (which took 2 hours for me to explain to him) and I’d turn it back to him.  He only got mad once, when after I asked him a few questions, he yelled “WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME THESE THINGS??” to which I replied that he was the only one that keeps bringing it up.  Eh….

                “If the answers scare you, then cease to ask scary questions.” – Jules

                Moving on…  The final conversation which ended any further talks happened when I brought up the bears.  I kid you not, folks, the most amazing 2 verses in the bible deals with the bears.  It’s Ah-mazin!  Here is why.   It’s the only two verse I’ve found where you read them to a Christian, then let them try to explain it, and the very best defense against –any- argument they give, is to read it back to them.   I’ve never in my life heard a person justify the bears, and I’ve asked well over a hundred folks. 

                2 Kings 2 : 23-24 (KJV)

            “²³ And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.²⁴ And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.”
            “Tare” is a word people will generally stumble on, so for those not fluent in the translation, the following words are used in place of “tare”:

-          Amplified Bible – “ripped up”

-          English Version – “tore”

-          New English Version – “ripped”

-          New Revised Standard – “mauled”

Side note – As I’ve said before, if you do decide to pick up and read the bible, the New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) really is the best.

So I read that verse to him, and when he thought it was a fluke (I was giving him the NRSV text, and he informed me that the KJV was the “right” one) I read him multiple versions. He then explained that it was taken out of context.  “How do you know?  You’ve never heard of this, but for your claim to be true, you would have to know what context it was written in, which you do not…”   But he was convinced the story was taken out of context.  So I let him whip out his iPhone and read the entire chapter (as some of you are doing now…) and no, it wasn’t out of context.

He then told me that the people attacking Elisha were really men, and his life was in danger.  I read the 2 verses again. (It was “little children”).

He then told me that they were attacking him. I read the 2 verses again (they were picking on his bald head.)

He then said that God didn’t do it, it was the devil.  I read the verse again. (God sent them, he did so right after Elisha cursed them in the name of the Lord.  If the Devil did it, then maybe-sorta-kindda God would have something to say about that.)

He then said……  nothing for a long time.  We were eating (US Pizza), and here lies the 2^nd area where 30 seconds may feel like 5 minutes.. but it wasn’t 30 seconds at all.  He said nothing for a very long time.  I ate. He googled, and read, and re-read, and was dead silent.  I ate ½ a pizza in dead silence.  I ate my half, and he took 3 bites of his first slice, but after he started reading, he touched nothing.  He got up, went to pee, and came back.  He said nothing.  He then put the phone down, and just sat there.  I didn’t ask him questions, I didn’t stare, I didn’t try to make the moment uncomfortable.  I watched TV, and chewed and asked for a refill in a pleasant manner, to not make it seem like I was spiking a football. 

Him: “God must have had a reason…”

Me: “Let’s say you are God.  Please give me any excuse you can think of, even crazy hypotheticals.. for why you’d send bears to maul/tear up/rip up 42 little children, for picking on a man’s baldness.  Even a bad reason.  Give me a reason….”

About a minute passed in utter silence, and I ate crust.  I was amazed.  In all the time I’ve brought up that verse, everyone always just gave me an excuse, or said they’d get back to me, or cursed me out…  no one had sat for what turned out to be 40 minutes and pondered. 

Then I said the following (I’m paraphrasing here..)

“I’m not expecting you to just know every answer to every question I ask.  God, religion, the Bible- these are complicated things… I get that.  Here is the point I’d like to end on-  God, according to Christianity has several qualities.  Now, many of them conflict, but this is a problem of two specific ones…  Omnibenevolence and Omnipotence.  God is the greatest good.  God is the most powerful.  Those are often in conflict, but they are in complete conflict here. 

God could have done anything to protect Elisha, but he chose to attack and maul 42 children, in order to do it. The God of the Bible could have done this in any way he saw fit, and he did it with overkill that would, if he were a human, get him denounced and thrown into a jail cell, or put to death.  It is not just you that can’t think of a reasonable excuse for his actions, no one can. 

If you ask, with no specific god in mind..  just in general… “What is the minimum, that is required, for a god to be the greatest being?” there is one answer – To be the most powerful being.  There can be a million gods, but the most powerful god, is the king.  The universe can be packed to-the-gills with beings, god just has to be more powerful.  That’s it.  If a god is more powerful than all the other gods, than all the living creatures and all the matter in the universe, then he is the biggest, most powerful god there can be.  THAT is what you believe.  No one thing, nor a collection of all things is more powerful.  That’s what you believe.  It’s why you call him “God”, and not “a god”. 

You also believe that we humans are just ignorant, sin filled creatures that fill the world with hate and sex and immorality, until we follow God’s plan.  But if God decides what is right, then he could say anything… anythinnnnnnng… is right.  Even mauling little kids because they picked on a guy’s hairline.  If you blindly follow this religion, as you have, since you’ve never read the book, then you are admitting that this act of extreme violence, is OK with you.  But, if you can understand, that this act was not omnibenevolent, then you can at least understand that your idea of God is in conflict. 

If he is all powerful, but not good, it explains the bears.  If he is all powerful, but not good, then that explains the flood and the dead children there too.  If he was all powerful, but not good, it explains why you believe I’m going to hell, just for not believing he is out there.  My infinite punishment, for a problem of his ego.

God is not nice and God is not good… and I’m very happy that he doesn’t really exist.” 

 

At this point, I took out $30, put it on the table, and told him I’d be around.  I told him that religion wasn’t meant to be easy, and he smiled and rolled his eyes.  Then I left.  After his silence, I simply didn’t know how I could keep talking, and not sound (even if it wasn’t intentional) like I was gloating.  I don’t want him to think I’m a jerk, or trying to make fun of his silence.  He had much bigger fish to fry in his mind, and I didn’t feel like adding to it.  Besides, we’d been there for a long time anyway. 

The reason the talk blew my mind, was that it's one of the rare times when I’ve talked about religion, and it got through.  Christians will read this, and think I’m a bad person trying to deconvert one of their own.  Don’t be misled – I am trying.  But then they do the same, and call it virtuous. 

There is a word for that.  

Before you can tell me I’m wrong, explain the bears.